It's an Inspired by The Thought Catalog Once Again Kind of Day

Today is a very inspiring day. I just finished reading this article on Thought Catalog and am now determined to come up with my own letter of warning to my future husband. This may only be version 1, as I'm pretty sure the longer I dwell on it, the more I'll realize I'm f&#*ing insane and guys should probably go running in the other direction before committing the remainder of their entire life to being with me.

So here goes version 1:

When a huge pile of cardboard boxes accumulates near the recycling bin, I will often want to show how strong I am and break them all down without using a box cutter, scissors or a knife. This typically results in me cutting my hand open on a staple, nail, or some other completely unnecessary item used to hold the box together (just use tape, people), but I'll push through the struggle in order to create a completely organized pile of folded cardboard ready to be recycled. On normal garbage days where we don't have a box fort ready to take out, I'll gladly give you a loving pat on the a$$ as you carry out all of the garbage and recycling on your own.

I go through phases of being slammed at work, and when I'm at the busiest, I'll feel completely undesired and pathetic and I'll be sure you and everyone else hates me unless you work hard to schedule every moment of my free time. Call my friends and tell them to ask me to Happy Hour. Call my parents and tell them they need to email me and tell me they haven't seen me in a while and can they pretty please have us up for dinner. Ask me to do a special dinner and a movie night that is way past my weeknight bed time where I can try to sound important and busy and exhausted but in the end go to the movie and sleep through at least $9 of it. For some reason being busy at work makes me need to be busy outside of work too, or else immense depression sets in.

Speaking of depression, I'm never depressed. But I'll use the word periodically, typically during a bout of dramatic PMS where I'll cry for no reason and then tell you it is just because I'm feeling so depressed lately and life is so hard and I'll really just need you to squeeze me, tell me I'm being silly, and tickle me to force a laugh. For me, a squeeze and laughter truly are the best medicine. Kind of like an autistic kid. When I'm panicked, pin me down in a huge bear hug and I'm bound to feel better in a few seconds.

My cat will like you better than he likes me. You are warmer, and bigger, and therefore are a much better catbed. Please don't ever say this out loud, though. You can think it, but if you ever tell me he loves you more than he loves me, I'll probably laugh it off and secretly be thinking of all the divorce lawyers I will be calling in the morning.

I will want to know everything you do during every moment of your time away from me and who you did it with and for how long and if it was enjoyable, but when you ask me how my day was and what I did, I'll likely respond with "eh, it was another busy day at work. nothing special" and expect you to be perfectly okay with that.

I hate brushing my teeth, but I love having clean teeth and fresh breath. You'll be on my good side if every night you walk to the bathroom with me, brush teeth together, and make silly faces in the mirror at me while we brush away. If done right, this will definitely lead to playtime in bed. Otherwise I'll complain like a little b*#@h that I have to brush my teeth alone and it is so cold in the bathroom and I hope you're planning on brushing your teeth too because otherwise don't plan on getting a good-night kiss with your dirty unbrushed teeth and mouth.

But most of the time, I'll just love you the best way I know how and try to put up with your annoying s^!t since you'll be putting up with all of mine.
Posted on April 16, 2012 .